Some Thoughts about Spirituality

Although I talk about Buddhism as an active source of spirtuality in my life, I stop just short of claiming it. When I pray, the idea of a benevolent patriarchal figure looking down on me seems practically burned into my psyche--perhaps due to my attendance of Grace Evangelical Lutheran church EVERY Sunday as a child living at my dad's house, or perhaps due to the influence of my Grandpa and Grandma--members of their Detroit Church of Christ Congregation for over 50 years.

But...though I can't outline my spiritual manifesto, there are certain things that I know I believe. Like, I believe it is important to acknowledge a power in the universe that is larger than myself but that includes me, all of me. And, I also believe that things happen for a reason--though that reason may not be apparent when we would most like, and though the reason may change as we change. I guess related to that, I believe that we are all here for a purpose....

Okay, even as I type, I can feel myself drifting into a smarmy pseudo-religiocommentary. I'm half expecting to accidently refer to you as "thou."

But seriously, I do think we are all here for a purpose--probably, multiple purposes. In my own life, I define my purpose (when I'm thinking about it clearly) as doing good work. And since I fail quite often at that, I believe that we are also here to learn.

I believe in Karma...though there are clear parallels to this in the Bible (Whatsover a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Ga. 6:7).

But then again, I'm also a product of The Farm, the "Largest and Longest Running Intentional Community" in the United States. Here's a quote from Stephen Gaskin, the leading mind behind the creation of The Farm:

"We all start with undifferentiated energy, and then we hold an idea of our self, and if we lose that idea of our self we start to die. That's what happens to people, they lose their idea of themselves, and don't create themselves good enough to make it anymore. We're each one creating our own self and our whole universe. Saying things like that is like throwing a rock out somewhere and listening for an echo. It really is, because like when I say that you are all gods creating your own universe then there's implications that should arise in your mind, like this is the universe that you're creating right now... see. Here we are. This is your creation... each one of you. Each of you creates all this."

Coming up as a kid, I was liable to have my parents tell me that I was "being too into the juice" (the juice being the collective energy present at any time). My mom and stepdad also talked a lot about positive and negative "vibes."

The idea of "energy" being all around us and a part of us is central to my idea of spirituality.

Anyway, those are my random thoughts on my higher power.

Organizational IEP

It's been a little over three months--roughly the whole summer--and I've been working my way through two of Julie Morgenstern's self-help books: "Organizing from the Inside Out," and "Time Management From the Inside Out."'

I have a whole notebook devoted to organization and time management notes and journaling. It's this woman's equivalent of an IEP (Individualized Education Plan, all students with identified "special needs" are supposed to have one).

That's not a bad thing. In fact, I'm proud of myself. I wrote in this journal last night:
8/21/07
I feel super good about almost being done with the organization of my home office space and materials. It...having a clear system really hasn't changed what I think is most important, but it's made my thinking clearer, and I feel...so much more confident about being able to reach my goals. Before doing this work I honestly felt that I couldn't achieve most things that were important to me. By getting organized, at least now I'm beginning to have a sense of the work I have ahead of me. Though it's a lot, it feels good to be on the verge of getting a workable, TRUTHFUL plan together. And maybe it has changed the way I think about my work. Instead of defining my work days by what is MOST late or what will help me deal less with big projects I've procrastinated on, I feel like I've started to develop a hierarchy for the different aspects of my work life. That in itself gives me a sense of moving forward--instead of being depressed about how much I haven't done/how much I have to do.

I realize that blogging should be a part of at least one of the areas of my life that I've identified as important to me through reading Morgenstern's books. Interestingly enough, I have three blog identities--so I guess I need to explicitly acknowledge that I like expressing myself in this way. But what definese each of my blog spaces? I'd perhaps characterize LouLou as the cynical, self-deprecating, "let-the-chips-fall-where-they-may while secretly hoping to be a better person," bitch (for the most part).
In another blog, I try much harder to nurture the positive, spiritual side of myself (especially since the title of the blog references my grandmother), and I hope that it will be a space for me to honor (and not cut down) that part of myself that wants to write creatively.
My third blog houses my "professional identity." Curiously, there's not a whole lot in it. As an academic woman who is riding the precipice of receiving a critical third year review, it just seems dangerous to assert ideas too strongly. So my posts in that space tend to be fairly general musings that are vaguely connected to my work. I wonder what would happen if these three people got together for some tequila shots....

You Know You May Be Depressed When....

You know you may be depressed when Google decides that the most relevant ad to put at the bottom of your blog begins like this: "feeling stuck? Depression effects us all..." or this gem that I just noticed: "Save your marriage now!" I guess I can't complain too much--clearly, I seem only to post when I'm at the bottom of my emotional barrel.

So for a change of pace, let me attempt to write about some of the good things in my life. My daughter started kindergarten last week on Tuesday. Tuesday afternoon:
Me: SO--how was your first day?
A: Great!

Wednesday afternoon:
Me: How was school today?
A: REALLY grrreat!

Thursday afternoon:
Me: Hi SweetiePie. How was school today?
A: Splendid!

Talking about "good stuff" is surprisingly difficult. For example, I have this overwhelming urge to talk about when S.O. called me downstairs this past weekend because he felt something crawling on the top of head--after he flicked it off and it scurried under our living room rug I assisted him in the search and destroy... and what do you suppose the bug was? Nothing less than a cockroach...excuse me...a "water bug" that seems to be half the size of Rhode Island. Talk about motivation to keep the dishes washed.

Okay. Positive stuff. One of my new bosses took me to lunch and I managed to be fairly charming. I think I may be on a roll. My list of positive stuff:

1. My daughter's general enjoyment of kindergarten and her teacher noting that she "wished she had a classroom full of kids like A."
2. I kept my foot out of my mouth while lunching with the new boss
3. I only spent 30 dollars at Target (as opposed to the 150 dollars of merchandise that I fully intended to purchase 30 seconds before getting to the cash register).
4. I almost got to go hang out with an almost friend tonight
5. I had a wonderful and relaxing dinner with A. (she makes a fantastic salad by the way).
6. I have found renewed enjoyment in shopping since "discovering" a store around the corner called "Dirt Cheap."

(Dramatic Pause of 10 minutes or so while I valiantly attempt to put 10 items on my list).

7. I helped a graduate student think through some dissertation research issues
8. A friend's wife's cancer has gone into a miraculous remission
9. A friend of mine is pregnant
10. Even though my grandma was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer, I have hope and faith that things will be okay and I take tremendous comfort in the knowledge that she is a living example of the power of deeply-rooted spirituality and a positive, blessing-seeking attitude.

I sent Grandma a plant today. It's a kalanchoe that FTD described this way "Given the proper care, this lovely plant will last for years." She's an 84-year old that you'd swear was 65. If you're reading this post, please send some prayers and positive thoughts her way.