I just deleted most of what was a straight up bitchy post. I just feel so frustrated sometimes.
Maybe a bit of Buddhist advise would help:
See with your Eyes every Sight.
Hear with your Ears every Sound.
Smell with your Nose every Smell.
Taste with your Tongue every Taste.
Feel with your Body every Feeling.
Think with your Mind every Thought.
Function pure untainted by Greed or Hatred.
Penetrate deep and mindfully into your experiences.
Relish every sensation.
But do not become attached.
Your six senses-Be forever liberated by learning best you can from them, or be forever trapped by indulging worst you can in them.
Seeing as though I still want to pour myself a big travel mug of vodka and OJ, that didn't help at all.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
Negra
My marriage is falling apart. Today in the shower I contemplated what it would be like to be a single parent...to do the one thing I promised I would never do--give my daughter a life as a child of "broken home." Though I feel that the idea of a broken home is bullshit--there are plenty of two parent homes that are cracked and broken--I still don't want to do that to her.
What we have is a dried out husk of a relationship, ready to catch flame at any moment. Or at least it seems.
On Tuesday my husband "accidentally" misread an email from a new friend of mine and called me while I was pumping gas, ready to get on the highway and get to work. He accused me of having an affair and told me to "get my fucking ass home right now" right before hanging up on me.
It stunned me. Stunned me. My hands shook as I called him back. I screamed at him, hung up, and my hands were still shaking when I turned my phone off.
I feel as if the only thing holding us together was the idea that we had a certain amount of trust that neither one of us would betray our wedding vows. The fact that he assumed I would break that trust has in turn eroded something within me.
And now, last night, we've had a further argument. He's accused me of being self-centered and insensitive. I've accused him of being an absent parent and husband. We slept apart and today I realized that what is going on with us represents six of the seven signs of a marriage headed for divorce. I sent him an email asking that we go to marriage counseling.
He didn't respond.
What we have is a dried out husk of a relationship, ready to catch flame at any moment. Or at least it seems.
On Tuesday my husband "accidentally" misread an email from a new friend of mine and called me while I was pumping gas, ready to get on the highway and get to work. He accused me of having an affair and told me to "get my fucking ass home right now" right before hanging up on me.
It stunned me. Stunned me. My hands shook as I called him back. I screamed at him, hung up, and my hands were still shaking when I turned my phone off.
I feel as if the only thing holding us together was the idea that we had a certain amount of trust that neither one of us would betray our wedding vows. The fact that he assumed I would break that trust has in turn eroded something within me.
And now, last night, we've had a further argument. He's accused me of being self-centered and insensitive. I've accused him of being an absent parent and husband. We slept apart and today I realized that what is going on with us represents six of the seven signs of a marriage headed for divorce. I sent him an email asking that we go to marriage counseling.
He didn't respond.
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