I wonder whether it's important to know what my purpose is...The question of what I'm doing here has plagued me for a long time. And, obsessed as I am with finding the "right" questions to ask about the multidimensional nature of human experience, I feel like I'm just coming to understand how unimportant it is to focus on finding a "purpose."

I'm just here, wherever here is. That doesn't mean that I don't have goals, or things I'd like to accomplish--and it doesn't mean that I should just give up completely on everything and say "fuck it all."

All this comes from this unsettled feeling that's been plaguing me this evening. At first I thought that it was emanating from the time that I hadn't spent reading academic stuff. And then I realized that even if I wasn't watching a movie with S.O., I sure wouldn't be reading an article or a chapter from a book I felt obligated to learn about...I was tired, and my brain was not in that mode.

Then I thought that perhaps my mood was due to my stress about getting A. up early tomorrow, bathing her, charging the video camera for her end of day camp program, going and being around a whole bunch of people tomorrow at the program, and then having a few short hours before picking A. and her cousins up--in short, maybe the restless feeling was due to my anticipation of being involved in activities that were unpredictable, that required my "social face," and not having time to immerse myself in projects (whether home or work-related) that have demanded my attention for what seems like the whole summer. That wasn't it either. Because even though it may be a pain in my ass to do the things above, I like being there for A., and I like being there for her cousins (and their mom). I like the fact that I can do something to show how much I appreciate what S.O.'s mom has done for me in terms of taking care of A. with very little monetary compensation. Isn't that what I'm claiming makes living here so special--the fact that we are connected to family in ways that we haven't been before? It is. They are important to me and it is important to me that they know it.

After resolving that issue...I again tried to get to the bottom of my bluesy unease. Could it be that after talking to a friend and colleague, I was feeling bad about how unproductive I have been this summer and maybe subconsciously I was feeling down when faced with the prospect of laying my lack of productivity on the table? Maybe.

Or maybe it's the fact that we're penny pinching and scrounging again, that we're late on bills again, that we're waiting for that big reimbursement check so that we can pay all the bills we didn't pay when we used our regular income to finance a trip to see S.O.'s family and so that (ironically) I could go make some money for some consultation work.

And then, of course, there was the inevitable thought--maybe it's ALL of these things rolled into one big ball of frustration, stress, depression, anxiety...

These were the things that crossed my mind as I was driving home from the video store after returning a bunch of movies that S.O. had rented to take his mind off of his own big ball of middle-age angsty string.

On the way to the video store though, I had asked for some help from God. Please help me, guide me, I asked. I believe in a power greater than myself, I really do. Because as I was nearing my house, the most significant thing rolling around in my head was this idea that it really doesn't matter. All of the problems and failings and unrealized goals and unclear paths were not relevant. The only thing that was relevant was the present moment. Doing the best I can in the present moment. Paying attention to the person in front of me turning left without a signal. Coming home and straightening things up before I go to bed so that we can come downstairs to a tidy (albeit dusty) space. Putting clothes in the dryer and charging the video camera so that Grandma P. can see the kids' program since she'll be behind the cash register at Walmart when they perform.

Using the time that I have--whenever that might be--to write. Doing my best in the time that I've been given. I still think that there's something to be said for finding one's purpose, and for actively pursuing what that might be. Failing that, the next best thing is letting your purpose find you and manifesting that in the moment.

I'm sure I'll look back on this and be amazed at how smarmy all of this sounds. How funny it is that I felt the need to write that! It just goes to show how difficult it is to stay in the moment.

So-- If my future self thinks I'm a cornball then this self-in-the-moment will just have to tell future me to fuck off...though I'll do it in a caring, trying-to-be-your-best-you kind of way.