More about (the Real) Me

God has plans for you. Or, at least this is what an angel named Earl told Detective Anna "Grace" Darko in the season finale of Saving Grace on TNT. In the show, Grace is a boozing, slutty police detective who is visited on a regular basis by Earl, who has been sent to "help her"…I'd tivoed the final show, and I just watched the end of it after having a phone meeting with a graduate student who asked for some advice on her plans for coursework.

Though Saving Grace is basically a darker, more focused version of that smarmy 90's show, "Touched by an Angel," the underlying hook is the same: God has a plan for you. One of the most powerful ideas behind television & movie plots that pulls me in (and pulls others, I assume, given Saving Grace's popularity) is the concept that there is a purpose to my life, a purpose that only I can fulfill. God's plan. I'm certan this is why I cannot give up…and don't really want to give up…my belief in an omniscient God (see an earlier post below).

I'm not claiming that my thoughts are darker than most, that my inner turmoil is more violent or more important than anyone else's. I don't need to make that claim to own my own experience. I do know that in order to keep going, to get out of bed, to try to do whatever… I have to hope and pray that there is some presence "looking down" on me that knows that even as I fail spectacularly in most of my endeavors…

It's okay.

Or, at least, even if I don't think it's okay, there is someone/thing "up there" that feels that I am okay and crazy as it sounds, I should keep persisting, trying, living.

I had an important conversation with a friend last week. We talked about this blog, and I made light of the fact that the ads that Blogger felt it most appropriate to list at the bottom of the page were ones that started with the phrase "Feeling down? Your'e not alone--there's help out there." In and through our conversation I put some things together (with the help of a couple bottles of Sam Adams).

I realized that I'm writing this blog to gain clarity, whatever that might mean. I realized that I am not attempting to find someone whose experience mirrors my own (actually a very frightening thought). And, as much as I might want it to be about my daughter, my relationship with my husband, my struggles to be a better scholar/researcher, the blog is about me owning up to the fact that I struggle with being depressed.

A lot.

It fucking burns me up to write that. One more thing to add to my ten foot long of list of personal failings and flaws? Fuck! What's next? And then I think, it should make me feel good to admit that, right? I mean, isn't the truth supposed to set you free, give you wings like Red Bull? No, not really. Most of the time telling the truth about myself just feels shitty.

So…for what it's worth, I'll keep writing about my life, about how shitty it feels to struggle with depression, about the good things that do, on occassion, happen. I'll be honest about my struggles and I'll keep hoping that at some point I'll feel a little bit better. That, and I'll stop scheduling, then canceling appointments with my therapist. Thank God for Tivo and TNT.