Second Baby Blues

I would really like to smoke a joint.

Like a bookmark, this thought opens me to a familiar page, one with the word “escape” written at the top in capitalized, bold letters. I’ve been having this desire a lot lately, and since a physical escape seems unlikely…enter the illegal substance fantasy.

In any case. It’s 11:30pm on Sunday night and I should either be cleaning the kitchen or in bed. Instead, I’m thinking about a second child (perhaps another reason for wanting to fire up a doobie?) The realist in me says that if I can’t stop procrastinating about washing A’s hair, should I really be thinking about taking on diaper duty all over again? Another reality check: at a recent conference, I asked an un-tenured acquaintance of mine how in the world she manages, with a son who is almost three and a five month old daughter. Without a blink, she answered "we have a nanny and we've made peace with the fact that that's where my salary goes for right now." Looking back, I'm almost certain the thought bubble above my head containing the word "FUCK!" was actually visible.

So, truthfully, I know the answer to my second-kid question. I’m not ready. My husband is not ready. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

I want so much to be ready. All Buddhist aspirations aside, it might not be a bad idea to start praying “to be ready” and stop trying to gather rationalizations. For example, I have a friend who has said that having a second child might be a good idea, if only for the simple fact that taking care of me and/or my husband when I/we get old is something no child should face alone.

There are other rationalizations, the principal one being age-related. I’m 36. Unlike other colleagues, I simply cannot wait until I make tenure, because I don’t want to have a child that is ten years old and another child that is 2 months old. I know there are women out there who may have kids a decade apart, but PLANNING to do it that way just seems insane.

Of course, this is taking a lot for granted. Like the idea that we can still easily get pregnant. And since I can’t remember the last time we had sex, I probably shouldn’t be making any assumptions. Yes, perhaps I am putting the cart before the horse. Perhaps I should be thinking about having sex.

Which just goes to show that personal revelations can happen at any moment: Thinking about having sex is way less stressful than thinking about having a second kid. I think I’m ready for bed now.