A Little Arm Chair Philosophizing

Yesterday as I cruised up and down rolling hills and felt good to have the sun shining down on me instead of rain (gotta love the South for that!) I started to think. Who am I as a person? Who do I want to be? I came up with a list of adjectives that I made into a prayer, though I'm not particularly religious. Help me to be compassionate, loving and positive to myself and others; open-minded and welcoming to my family, friends and people I meet; help me to bring order and serenity to my life and to people who I come into contact with; cultivate my sense of humor so that I can live a more joyful life and deal with things beyond my control.

Last night things started to go downhill after two trips to the supermarket (one to get salmon to cook for dinner and another to get the stuff I would need to make salmon taste less like chipped carboard). I had a glass of wine. Probably not a good idea. One of S.O.'s relatives called and asked if we would like to come to dinner on Saturday. I said could talk to S.O., but that I also didn't mind lying to my husband. That didn't come out right. What I MEANT to say is that if I told him we were just going to visit instead of coming for dinner, it might make him a more willing participant. But she didn't need to have all that information, especially prefaced with a statement about how willing I am to be untruthful to someone I've lived with for the past nine years. DAMN! I started to feel really tired when A and I drove up to pick up S.O. at his office. His boss, teasing S.O., said that I needed to get an older man in my life, as he hugged me (I'm thinking: I hope he doesn't smell the wine on my breath...and did I have garlic for lunch?). I swear the boss is really slimy sometimes. I asked A what she thought about what S.O.'s boss said, and she said "I don't THINK so!" High five to A!!!

After we ate a late dinner and S.O. asked me if I wanted to clean the kitchen before I went to bed (is that a trick question?) I felt really blue and fell asleep. Woke up feeling low. Is it a question of getting better organized? Maybe if I got clearer about how to do all the things I want to do, I would feel better about myself and my life. I have this grant report hanging over my head. This chapter that I haven't started writing hanging over my head. The prospect of teaching two graduate classes next semester (on the heels of a superstar professor) hanging over my head. The reality of having to co-chair a search for a new faculty position since the superstar professor is leaving (in January) hanging over my head. Time to get my ass up and do something so that everything can quit hanging over me and I can start presiding over my life in a more authoritative way. Blogging is a helpful tool for making one realize that shit only gets managed when you stop thinking about how much you have going on and just get moving. The power of words on a page!

So, S.O. is on his way to get sworn in. I'm here in the kitchen baking chicken and corn pudding in a feeble attempt to impress mother-in-law who watches A on Wednesdays while I drive to campus and teach my class. A department colleague of mine who fell asleep during my interview job talk wants to have coffee with me this afternoon. She's taken a liking to me, and I'm not sure why. Maybe while I was giving my presentation she dreamt that I knew what the hell I was talking about. But, until this afternoon, and until this pudding come out of the oven, I'll get some work done. I'll let you know how the day turns out. Compassion, love, positivity toward myself and others. Compassion, love, positivity. Compassion, love...