Defining Time

A. is sleeping on the floor in a "sleeping bag" she made for herself out of a comforter. She's moderately sick--a little fever, congested, tossing and turning. Though I'm completely stressed about the job interviews I have this week, I laid down next to her till she went to sleep. Lying there, I was conscious of how important it is to calm myself down--I could feel her heartbeat her breathing, she could feel mine. I wanted to give her peace through being next to her, not anxiety. I breathed more deeply, slowed my breath. I relaxed my tight jaw, my almost unconsciously pursed lips. I tried to completely relax. A. snuggled up next to me and held my arm. Through helping her, I helped myself. Isn't it always the way?

I was thinking the other day about death and definitions of self, again. My life is undeniably built around my family, but is it weakness to focus on that? Maybe I'm hedging my bets too much, and it's just another way to prevent myself from being hurt. Does loving another person completely mean that there is no thought beyond that fulfilling that love?

I'm fairly certain I need to attempt to live in the "here and now" much more than I do. After all, isn't it through being more "present" that we build a stronger future? I think I may also be too caught up in avoiding pain. No joy without sorrow, and all that.

Well, regardless of all that, here's what I came up with the other day. Some qualities that I want to try to build--BEING...thoughtful (meaning empathy as well as flexing intellectual muscles more), nice, honest. BEING organized, productive, creative, focused.