Do you ever feel like not existing for a just a little while? No, not that way. I said a LITTLE while. I guess I'm talking about not existing in the meditational sense--an absence of self. Or maybe what I'm thinking of is more like that semi-comatose sleep I had when I was pregnant. Or maybe it's a combination of both of those things. Whatever. I just want a few hours of it right now.
Sometimes I feel like the windshield of my '95 Honda. After a decade of dirt and debrit and all manner of insects and pebbles being thrown at it, it's all scratched up and pitted. Last year a big stone cracked it and I had to get the whole thing replaced. The new windshield was amazingly clear, and I couldn't figure out how I'd gotten used to looking through the old one. So maybe that's what I want for my life, but I hate all the cliches: "a new lease on life," "a fresh start," "tomorrow, tomorrow, I love yaaa, tomorrow..."
In a sense, this blog is giving me what those cliches are talking about. No Blue's Clues or Sesame Street. No laundry. No paper grading or email sending. And a small degree of clarity about my life. It's ultimately very ironic --I have this problem letting other people in to my life but through this blog I am revealing in detail all of the stupid things I do and that I obsess about, and in doing so I feel released, even if temporarily. By revealing that I exist I am achieving that non-existing thing I was wishing for. I absolutely hate how corny that sounds and I hate that it's true. Maybe if I can make it into a snappy cliche other people will have to say it too. That would be funny.
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